Pandora's Box

I've been playing in my relationships in a self-constructed box of drama and lies. I believed that if I could control everything in a relationship (and if not, then at least everyONE), then I would be in a successful relationship because I wouldn't be manipulated, therefore I wouldn't be hurt. But here's the clincher: I'm the one who decided that manipulation = pain. But it doesn't. Well, it does, but ONLY if I tell myself that story. If I don't believe that thought, then it doesn't hurt. Um, hi, Freedom, I have finally met thee. I came to this conclusion as I listened to Missy Higgins's song "Steer" and the following lyrics hit it home the deepest:

It was always simple, not hidden hard
You've been pulling at the strings playing puppeteer for kings
And you've had enough

But the search ends here
Where the night is totally clear
And your heart is fierce
So now you finally know
Though you control where you go,
You can't steer

It's like she was speaking directly to me in this moment, and I took on those lyrics as a part of me in order to reflect back to myself how I behave. Long have I been manipulating and "controlling" others -- lying to myself that I am controlling them, when such a thing is not possible, because we are ALL granted with agency, and I do not hold a more powerful version of agency than anyone else holds, though I've long told myself I do.

I've spun out in these circles ever since my dad left, out of nowhere, absolutely a surprise. If he could leave out of nowhere, so could someone else -- unless I actively spent all my energy on preventing them from doing so. At this young age, I didn't realize he left because he CHOSE to. Though I blamed myself, it had nothing to do with me. His choice (and subsequent choices to further push himself away from his past life) were indications to me in my developmental stages that I was sick, bad and wrong and wasn't doing enough to keep him around. And I wouldn't have this again. I would manage every relationship from that point forward to ensure that they did not leave until I was ready, at which point I would fiercely push them away.

I went on a couple dates with this guy recently, and I fell hard. He didn't trust me, and so I went into control mode. "I want to make SURE he learns he can trust me! I want to be the one who saves him from the darkness he is currently experiencing, and then when I do that, he will want to be with me forever because I am sooooo full of light!" (Yes, I too am gagging at these thoughts as I see them in the light of truth). And what happened was my efforts pushed him away because he didn't want to be controlled. My attempts to control the situation came off as (and I now see that they really were) attempts to control HIM, and he wanted none of that, so I pushed him further and further from trusting me. How beautiful is the irony of life?

So now I am analyzing myself and my actions, to see what I can learn from them. And what I have learned is that I need to just BE. I can just be me, and still be safe. I don't need to keep my guard up, thinking someone will disappear, and then prove my beliefs right by pushing the person away. I can just trust that as I engage with him (or anyone else for that matter), that life will continue to be life just as it always has been, and that I can go with the flow of it without freaking out that the other shoe is going to drop. Because WHAT IF it drops? What if all these things I'm afraid of actually DO happen? With certainty, some of them will happen because they are aspects of life.

But it is no longer about controlling life. I see now that I have constructed this box, and it is time for me to step out of it. In this way, I can be my true potential and trust myself and trust others and enjoy life. So here we go and we'll see what happens! :D