I want what I want and I want it now. That is me. :)
I learned last night that I put up A LOT of walls, and a lot of barriers to who I am, even some (still) unconsciously, and I only allow certain people to see certain things, in order to control my world and manipulate those I love...So I'm letting them down and I'm going to tell you all who I am right now.
I have a car whose brake pads are about to go out in 2 days and I have no money to get this taken care of. Yet I still drive it cuz I "need" to, and I don't let anyone know about it because it's something I don't feel like I can surmount alone, so I don't anyone to see that I'm a failure.
I have no financial stability right now and I am trying to make a way for myself in this world, and I feel that not only are all the odds stacked against me, but also that NO ONE is willing to support me in any manner. And my friends continue to prove this right.
I have no friends who I feel really deeply care about me and would go to the absolute wall for me if I ever needed them. I have one friend who I think would go 90% of the way to the wall and would then be too scared to go any further with me, and I feel that every other friend would go about 30% with/for me. That is simply not enough for me. I can't be 70+% of my relationships, it's give and receive and give back, not give and take people.
I feel really disheartened and in despair and disappointed and completely unsupported right now. I hate that I see so many other people being drama and giving each other their bullshit and their friends and family accept it, support them in it, and then do anything they possibly can to assist them through life, and I feel like I am doing everything I can to live an honest, fulfilling, loving, giving life, and no one supports me in it and in fact, day-by-day backs away from me and is unwilling to give me ANY support. I have no one who is willing to listen to me cry, I have no one who has any answers for me, and I have no one who is willing to step up and say "You know what, you're really struggling right now, so let me take this burden for you right now. It's okay, I love you." And I'm sick because of it.
The End.
Hey, it's Justan. Just read your post. I feel that financially we are in the same boat. I am sorry your friends aren't there for you 100%. I only have a few that would be, and I've known them all my life. I would love to hang out with you more, and perhaps some time down the road we could even help each other out and share a space somewhere North. Keep in touch like you always do. I see a great friend in you.
ReplyDeleteWow... who are you spending your time with? Brake pads are cheap (in old cares like ours). and they are pretty easy to swap. Depending on the type I could help you do it and if I can't I have about 5 friends that could (and would be willing).
ReplyDeleteI know you have heard this before but...
We teach people how to treat us
We are the average of the 5 people we associate with the most
You get what you give
We can only receive from others what we have for ourselves
...
I think it can be a lot easier then you might be making it. I know this is just one blog post (or five in a row) and it doesn't show the complex, amazing and "put together" Ryan that is also inside you.
But... it can be easy...
Your friend... TheMrRogers :)