The Blog Will Come Out Tomorrow, Tomorrow

This is how I've been feeling lately...like, I should postpone anything and everything. I have slacked on my commitment to blog. I just haven't been available. Physically and emotionally.

I stopped blogging last Wednesday because I staffed The Brilliance Within at The Great Life Foundation and I was too exhausted to even do anything but plop myself pathetically down into bed each night (for those who don't know, the volunteer hours are about 18 hours straight for four days). I was partially okay with that. Then, hell struck me emotionally. I had had maybe a half day to recover from staffing, and my three closest relationships crumbled from underneath me, completely out of the blue. I had no one to rely on, to rest on, or to even cry to, other than to my own pillow, which has caught its fair share of my tears already. It was all I could do to function. I stopped eating, I stopped working out, I stopped talking to almost everyone. I stored up my anger, waiting for the perfect timing to explode on the 3 relationships for betraying me so fiercely for absolutely no (or stupid) reasons.

I walked into to Part Two Post Training feeling like shit. I did NOT want to be there, I was incredibly out of alignment, I wanted to tell everyone Fuck you! and walk out of the room. I didn't even want to dance. Let's get something straight: I AM a dancer. Dancing is the definition of me, in EVERY aspect. When I don't want to dance, it is the next step to suicide. Now, I'm not saying I was ABOUT to kill myself, or even thinking about it...don't worry... I simply illustrate the point that it's as low as I can be within myself before expiration from this world.

I woke up Wednesday morning with a surprisingly new resolve on life. I decided that yes, it hurt to lose those three relationships, but if they feel like they are better off in life without me, then it is my opportunity to either: prove my worth to myself and create new friends who care strongly about me and will support me, or else really fight for someone else and humble myself before my ego and pride. I am powerful. I did both.

I humbled myself before one of them last night and created a new history with myself regarding my pride. It was pretty nice to listen to someone else without agenda. I knew only one thing: I didn't know anything. I didn't know how our conversation would turn out, I wasn't even quite sure how I wanted it to turn out! I just knew that I got to be there to listen to someone else express their opinion, be compassionate, forgive myself for what they saw and felt, and let them know how I felt. It was clean, pure, and emotional, and in the end, we forged a new path for our relationship, which is now stronger and more loving.

Now to take on the next two.......Haha!

Thank you -- for reading, listening, and being there in your own unique way.

I am busy this weekend, so I am not quite sure when my next blog post will be, to be completely honest...I have a lot to update about, though, so I am very excited to post again!

'Til Then,

Ryan!